For about a year I've been thinking about writing this blog. The other day I finally had the nerve to start. As I was thinking about what I was writing, by chance I read an amazing blog called "Ten Things That Your Missionary Will Not Tell You." It put my feelings into words despite the fact that it's from a missionary parent's perspective. As a family we read parts of the blog out loud and we laughed so hard because all ten points tell part of our story. Below describes us so well. - " A man from the land of Blue became a missionary to the people of Yellow. He struggled because he was a Blue man among Yellow people. However, after a while he began to truly understand their culture and become partly assimilated. One day he looked in the mirror and saw that he was no longer Blue, he was now Green. It made being in the land of Yellow easier. Then, after many years, he returns to the land of Blue. To his dismay, no one there in his homeland of Blue wants to be with him because, well because he was a Green person in the land of Blue.- Joe Holman “You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” ― Miriam Aden This blog might be labeled as rash or insane. It might all be misunderstood. It could easily be taken as shallow or just as a messed up kid screaming for attention, yelling bloody murder at the world. I'm not sure where this will all end up but after staying up until 2:00 AM talking with a group of amazing youth who are also green missionary kids and being open and honest about how we feel deep down behind what appears to be normal, there is a lot going on that few people read through. The truth is even some of us green kids are unaware of the issue and battle we face on a daily basis. But it is a reality. For years I was unaware of the battle I fought every day and I was unaware that it really is okay to be different. It all started on a bus. At the time I was 18 and solo on my way home from San Jose, I was wet, cold, and had four more hours on a humid bus until home. Two blonde international students were standing beside me in the crammed isle and heard me speak Spanish and as always needed an answer because my blonde highlights and fluent Spanish always nail that. They ask me one question, Where are you from? I answer the question that is always difficult or confusing to answer, despite the fact that I was born and raised in Costa Rica. So I said, "I was born here but am American and have my CR and USA citizenship." I braced myself for the next fifty questions, but instead he looked right at me and said four words that changed my life. "You are not uncommon." Then he turned away and tried to sleep, unaware that he just blew up my world while I remain confused as to why my world had just crumbled and started to make sense. That was the first time I woke up to the reality that I struggled with identity. So here are 12 things that missionary kids will not tell you: 1. We don't want to be your heroes. We want to be your friends. We long to be treated as normal. We don't want you to always mention our mission or ask us for a history lesson about the culture or family we are a part of. We are capable of carrying a normal conversation despite the fact that we grew up with monkeys and snakes for our pets. The other day we were listening to a song and something about the lyrics made me want to cry. It was later that night that we were up until 2:00 AM that I realized that the lyrics had wrecked me, so I asked if any of the others had felt the same way and in the end we had all felt like the lyrics were describing us. '' Let me go I don't wanna be your hero I don't wanna be a big man Just wanna fight like everyone else Your masquerade I don't wanna be a part of your parade Everyone deserves a chance to Walk with everyone else... '' 2. Sometimes, most of the time, living in another culture is hard. There are the two questions we all hate, what country is home to you? Or what country is your favorite?...Honestly, I don't know. And I never know how to answer that! Because in reality I love both countries and their people. Each country and culture has it's own beauty and embracing the different culture you are in at the time is a gift and a choice. Language differences. We will often say words in English that do not make sense to you. But that does not mean we are air heads, it just means we know more than one language. One of my uncles went out for pizza with his new girlfriend in the states and he ordered pizza with fungus on it. Directly translated to Spanish this makes perfect sense. What he meant to order were mushrooms but despite that embarrassing moment she still married him because he is awesome and she is amazing! 3. WE NEVER FIT IN. We always feel three steps behind whatever is new or "in". Honestly, every time I go to the states I have several awkward moments. One time it was a blasted coffee maker, I had no idea what to press or pull in order to get my coffee into my cup. And in those moments you walk away feeling like an idiot, but in reality there is so much you know that the people who were watching have no clue about but they don't know that, so you remain looking like a idiot. News Flash* I'm going to have an honest moment. I went to Starbucks for the first time a year ago while I was in Ohio. It was freezing and snowing and all I wanted was a good hot coffee. So I ordered a latté. I thought all the coffees were hot, but no! They brought me an iced latté! It's snowing! Why would they have iced-coffee on their menu? All the spaces were taken except the table by the door so every time someone entered or left, snow and freezing wind would whip in at my feet. (I can't believe I'm sharing this fact about myself.) But this happens! And yes everyone looked at me like I was from another planet so I continued to act like I knew exactly what I was doing. And no, I didn't post a picture of my latté . But yes, I do get jealous every time I see yours because I'd have to travel two and a half hours to buy one. We never look like the rest of you, because we wear what we have. We might show up with the same outfit we wore two years ago... and pray no one remembers. There are always a new set of "cool" words that in reality do not make any sense to me. And I often wonder if they make any sense to the rest of you? There's that new drink that is the rage, music has always changed, and there are always friends of friends, or the spouse of a friend that you have to meet and act normal around. A few months ago I lived in Amsterdam for six weeks. During that time I was surrounded by amazing people from different countries and cultures. We each had a unique story. One day I burst into tears and something in me snapped because despite the fact that being in Amsterdam was not easy, it was the first time I could remember fitting in. Because I was just one of the many random students from a different back ground and culture. 4. Relationships are exhausting and hard. Lonely is an everyday deal. First of all, missionary families are close. Families are not only parents, bros, and sisters but also your best friends. But there are always friends you miss. When a missionary kid gets married, it often involves moving to another continent. And the man you marry is seldom the norm. It's usually a crazy man who does crazy things, he lives on the edge and this involves having to live a crazy awesome life as well as praying with all your might because insanity is always present. And your kids will grow up unafraid of snakes and spiders. But in reality we wouldn't want it any other way. But then about once a year allow our mothers to have a melt down. It also means making a new set of friends, cooking differently, only talking to your family over the phone. Right now my sister is in Ghana and for the first few months we hardly heard from them because our internet connection as well as their's was horrible. And after a twenty minute talk on the phone our phone bill doubled! And it only made missing her all the more real. Also she will come home to the reality that her little sister is now taller then she is, and her bro now has a full beard!! The grand-kids don't know who their grandparents are. (Back to the part where your kids will be unafraid of snakes. I remember one day I was cleaning up our shop and under some of the junk I was picking up I found a small snake. I knew it wasn't a bad snake, but decided I would kill it so that my brother would think I'm cool. Fail! So I took a long board and smashed its head. Later I heroically told my brother about my move. His reaction was far from what I expected because I had killed his little pet. He knew it lived in our shop and whenever he would find it, he would pick it up and play with it, even put it down his shirt for fun. He would always let it go again but now I blew it!) Long distance dating is hard. You have to fall in love with the 'real' person you are dating all over again for about ten times, because in reality you are in love with the man you call or text and that guy never has a bad hair day, bad breath, or a bad attitude. You have to get to know each other all over again each time. And it isn't easy for the couple or their families. It's all really hard and awkward. Also each time the other leaves again, you have to pick up the pieces and go through the next two (or five) months missing them. 5. It's not that we don't want to be your friend, its just that we don't ever want to have to go through the pain of saying good-bye. And no, it's not the same in the states. Honest, most of the relationships I have were not easy to start. The last time I was in the states I made a few new friends, and I remember giving myself a speech before walking over and joining the table where the youth were sitting,.."Ken, You have made it through this before, you won't regret it.. Just blasted don't pass out!" Honest, my knees were weak and my voice was shaking and I was sure I would come across as an air head. Not because they were intimidating, but because I was afraid they would be nice and become my friends. And that meant hard goodbyes and maybe never seeing them again. And yup, it happened. I cried when we left. We hide our fear behind a smile and outgoing hippy attitude.* 6. Going to the States is so hard. Answering questions over and over burns me out. I'm scared to death of new sports. You have to work to rebuild relationships with your "Best Friends." Going out for a burger is amazing. Quit whining about snow, for some of us it's a dream. Do not say you are broke because you don't have enough money to go boarding this week! That does not label broke. You are soakin' rich. Don't tell me you could never survive on rice and beans, it makes me feel like a walking miracle. And I'm not. It makes me feel like saying "Shoot, how in blazes do you survive on MacDonald and potatoes?"... You really are a walking miracle." I always go through culture shock at how rich everyone is. And how gray and boring all the houses are, there is no yellow, pink, green, blue, or orange. When you go to town, no one even looks at you! It makes me feel invisible. Here everyone talks, yells, and if you see someone you know you walk across the street to say hi and might end up talking for thirty minutes. 7. We have a hard time receiving, because we grew up being the givers. We grew up always being known as the grandchildren or children of a godly man. We grew up having to be "good examples" for other kids and always being looked at as the rich giver. (But in reality we have always been poor. And we have both cultures in our favor when it comes to being jerks. So do not underestimate us.) But honest, We don't like being labeled as rich, because that means that our friends feel intimidated. If you really want to do a missionary a favor do NOT build him an american house or buy them a car in a land where they use horses. Get the drift, and buy the man a stinkin' horse! I know what it's like when people come to our place for coffee and feel intimidated because we have a tile floor. It's not fun. It blows the atmosphere. I wish I could scream this to american churches. "Wealth is not the answer to any culture's problems. Money will not save souls!" Don't try to change their culture, leave your culture at home. If you really want to make a difference, live at their level, embrace their lives, know how to have a blast and embrace their humor. The best thing you can offer anyone is coffee, love and friendship. Yes, you will always be different, but embrace the differences and move forward. It is possible to become like family with people from other countries and cultures. 8. We do not like when you feel less "Spiritual" then us. First of all, I know that there are times when missionaries go through what is often referred to as "Missionary Syndrome."... It could also involve burnout and secondary trauma. This is the side effect of seeing so much need and brokenness that we really are not capable of ever living in a normal american setting again. So I'm sorry if we come across as overpowering at times. What we feel is valid, we just don't always know how to approach it with the right attitude. We are sorry if we come across as better than you or more spiritual. We are not more spiritual then you. As Christians we are called to serve. This does not always involve being a missionary in another country. Some of us are called to live in the country you were born in and raise little world changers. While others are called to work in freezing weather and support a mission in Peru. You may be called to reach the homeless from your city or work at a café. Teaching school or being a youth leader in the same community you grew up in is okay!! You may just be called to encourage whoever God sets in your path. That's great, and you do not have to tell us about all the things you "wish" you were called to or try and justify your present circumstance. If that is where God has you we think you are amazing! We may even be jealous of you. 9. We love when you come visit us. But we will also go through culture shock the first few days. A while back two of my amazing friends came to spend two weeks with me. And I loved it but the first two days they were here I struggled with feeling claustrophobic and depressed. As we drove over the mountain on our way home from the airport I realized how much damage the earthquake had done and how poor some of the houses are.The closer we got to home the more it hit me "we live so far back in!" Things that I never think of, like geckos on my bedroom wall or the humidity suddenly made me sad. And in no way was this my friends' fault it's just that living here is not uncommon to me until I see it through someone else's eyes. I also realized how lonely I am. Having them here was so awesome and refreshing. Don't ever believe the lie that visiting a missionary is a burden. You are not a burden, we love to have you here. Don't come expecting to eat mashed potatoes everyday. We might only be able to serve you rice and beans for every meal, but trust me, we are honored to serve you. And our families as well as our church needs to be encouraged. Sometimes all it takes is you coming and wearing sandals and being okay in a different culture to give us a boost. It makes us feel normal. If you come visit, we really don't think it's cute when you whine. We hate small talk about our countries. Negative comments about the culture we grew up in feel personal to us. This one is huge. But can defiantly go both ways. We can be critical about America as well. You guys think you have all the answers, but that's okay, we still love you. (Most of the time.) I know that we often think we have all the answers, we don't, but thanks for not ditching us. 10. For some of us getting a job isn't an option, and if we do, getting payed $4 an hour is great. Most of us will never own our own car. (And most of us don't give a rip.) Unless we save every penny or go work in the states for a few months, we don't have a lot of money to spend. But this doesn't mean we don't have a life and it doesn't mean that God isn't faithful. The truth is, there have been many times that money has not reached. But there is always a reason, and there have been many times that He has answered prayers and provided despite the present circumstances. Our fridge has often been empty but we have never gone without a meal. One of the greatest gifts of being a missionary kid is growing up in a setting where your life literally depends on prayer and having faith. Nothing is to hard for God. And God is interested in our everyday needs and prayers. He is not only a good Father, but the most amazing of Padres! The other night we kids were depressed. We needed something different! It was one of those nights when Facebook just makes things worse! Because we see all the fun things others are doing that we can't just randomly do, like go to a gym or out to eat. Trust me, we love social media! But it is also our greatest nightmare because it makes us jealous, and the reality of being so far away and missing out on so much just makes solo so real. The other night we would have loved to go out to eat but we didn't have the cash. So instead of staying home and rotting we made some plans with our friends and loaded up our pickup with blankets, pillows, guitars, ukuleles,... Made amazing chicken empanadas and coffee. Then we drove to the darkest place we could find in the pineapple fields and made a fire under the stars. We ate, told stories, laughed, played music, and hoped people wouldn't come and chase us away thinking we were drug dealers. (But that just kinda added to the fun.) We had a blast!! And I wouldn't trade a night like that for a night at Long Horn. 11. We didn't choose this life and our life is not a vacation. We were born here. But if we would have to chose we wouldn't have it any other way. Don't act sorry for us. We don't feel sorry for us. It makes us feel like bugs under a microscope and we are not just another interesting species or creature. We as well as the people we live with are no different than you. We have emotions, families, pain, joy, entertainment, schedules.... we have a life. And just because it is different than yours doesn't make it less enjoyable or less painful. Also please know that being a missionary is more then chillin' in a hammock while drinking coke and going on a short term mission trip. Someone once made a joke about wishing they were a missionary so that they could also chill in hammocks and have a good coke everyday like they had for their past three weeks in a tropical country. Needless to say a few hours later a few of my friends had the honor of seeing me get really angry and in tears for the first time. (Please know that I love short term missions. But short term mission trips are not the same as living on a mission long term !!!) 12. We have seen and worked with more pain and brokenness then the average americano. As I write this my dad is talking to one of our neighbors who showed up drunk and is asking for money so he can buy his family coffee and rice. But he really just needs another beer. This is not uncommon and often my dad just asks him to join him for coffee on our front porch. My dad is patient and the kindest man I know. This morning my mom spent time with one of our new neighbor ladies. They sat in our living room and mom listened to her sob for an hour. While they were together she told mom more about her story. About being homeless as a kid in San Jose and having her first child at fourteen. Also about her son who was murdered on the streets of San Jose about a year ago. ( I hope I'm as cool as my mom someday.) One of my most vivid pictures of homeless ministry is a man who lived under a plastic tarp in the Red Light district. That was his home rain or shine. We saw him more then once and I don't think he ever moved from the spot, his buddies would bring him food. He had an open tumor on his belly and everything he owned was under the tarp with him. The little girl who stole my heart and was an orphan at a home along with other youth and children. Before they came to the home, they lived on the streets of San Jose. I remember the way she looked at me and the way she played with my hair and asked me with question in her eyes "Why is your hair white?"... then she told me "I want hair like yours."... I told her I would gladly trade my hair for her beautiful strait black hair. Her hair was so beautiful! I held her, she leaned her head on my shoulder and was almost asleep, but then we had to leave... And along with many of the other people I have given hugs in San Jose, some days I still wish I wouldn't have had to let her go. " We were made from dust, a bit of earth kissed by heaven,and we are made to be ground breakers and peacemakers and freedom shakers. " - Ann Voscamp.
- "Dear Third Culture Kid, It's okay to be different. It's okay to be you. YOU are stronger, braver, cooler, and far more loved then you realize. No one is called to fit in. We are all called for one purpose and battle. And kids, what shook up my world was the day I realized we are all strangers here and we are not HOME yet. Our lives are but a fleeting shadow. Honestly, some times I get so excited about heaven. I know, I'm in my early twenties, I have a life, dreams, hopes, and prayers ahead of me. But I am sick of all the pain, rejection, misunderstandings, races, languages, slavery, abuse,.... But until then do not believe the lie that you are not here for a reason. You are here for a reason and God has amazing plans for you. You are in the country and culture because your smile has purpose. Your hug is not meaningless. There are so many hurting people out there who need you. And you are exactly where you are meant to be right now. Embrace each moment and person in your life. You kids are my heroes! - .... "He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
3 Comments
Lysanne
2/12/2016 01:27:56 pm
You need to keep writing Kendra. I can't even count how many nails you hit on the head in this one. Wow.
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Hannah
3/13/2016 03:35:22 pm
Wow, how did I not read this until now? This is just spot on, and I'm ever more amazed at your beautiful heart, Kendra! I'm so proud of you. :)
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Lavinia
4/17/2016 03:28:35 am
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