That moment when you realize your ministry is no longer a choice but a lifestyle,.. When you suddenly know that "you will never know what might happen around the corner or in this case around the next block..." And something inside of me crumbles because I know I wouldn't want it any other way. Yet I would love to have it all together, I know I don't and that's okay, because He got this old world in His hands. He has this wrecked heart in His hands, He has our broken stories in His hands. And nothing is wrecked, nothing is, because He has it all together and He is working every little detail into His greater plan. " .... there are things this week, this new year, that look like the Gigantic Impossibles --- and change seems slow & small & practically invisible. But Change is a Seed. And Growth is a slow & sacred process, not some abracadabra magic show. Every minute of faithfulness is a seed that God will faithfully grow into profound change. "Grow in grace...." (2Pet3:18) By His grace -- He grows our one faithful minute & then one more seed-minute of faithfulness & then just one more.... And God grows each of those seed-minutes into the Gigantic Possible.... because: It's not what we do every now & then ---- but what we do Every. day. that changes everything. " - Ann Voscamp This morning those words meant so much to me. "It's not what we do every now & then ----but what we do every. day. that changes everything" Because so often I want answers now, I long for change now, I want to see what my next step will be now. Please, let me just skip the waiting, the slow, the trusting, let me just make it better and I don't give a rip about what happens from then on, but right now I just want to blasted "fix it"... " But Change is a Seed. And Growth is a slow & sacred process, not some abracadabra magic show." I don't know about you guys but my new year started with "crazy"... What I thought was going to be a relaxing three day vacation with three awesome friends at the pacific coast changed the moment I saw her walking towards me on the sidewalk among all the tourists. Although I didn't realize it, the story started before I saw her, only that after I saw her I understood. A few weeks ago when I first thought of taking the girls to the beach I kinda pushed the thought away, because honestly I didn't have the cash for it. Monday night I was sitting on the floor packing, although I had the money for San Jose and busing I was still trying to figure out how and if my money was going to reach for the $50 I needed for our hotel. I was sitting there my fried Kate said "Ken, one of my friends gave me $50 for my trip. I told her it wasn't a mission trip, but she said she felt like God wanted her to give me the money, so I've decided to pay your hotel with it." (I wish I could have seen my facial reaction.) God is so cool that way! Thursday morning, our second day at the beach I was up early telling myself that I was brave enough to ask the people next door if they would please let me use their coffee maker... (I'm still convinced it's not an addiction. Or not.)... It was a beautiful morning and I was reading Psalm 17 "Guard me as you would guard your own eyes. Hide me in the shadow of your wings.".. Little did I know how much I would need this verse later that day. That afternoon while Britt and I walked through the town we found an awesome little second hand clothing store and while we were looking through all the hippy clothes Britt found a really darling pair of jean shorts, I knew she loved them but I also knew she was going to be tight about spending $10, and she was, but in the end she bought them and later said she felt like she had spent too much! The reason I mention the shorts is because that evening we were walking around town again.. ( Did I mention you can walk around this awesome little town at the beach for hours?) And Britt saw a pair of boho pants that at first didn't impress her, but she flipped over them! And I was surprised when she said "Ken I really want these, I don't know why, because I saw them yesterday and thought the color was hideous! But now I love them, I'll pay it with my own money and I know I won't regret it." I was in a hurry to get back to the beach so we could watch the sunset. But when we asked the price we were missing 4 bucks. So we walked all the way back to our hotel then ran back to buy the pants, all the while I was trying to figure out what had come over Britt because after not wanting to spend $10 she went and bought a pair of pants that where not really her style and cost $38! And that's when I looked up from the sidewalk and saw her walking towards me, only a few feet away. I won't deny the fact that my heart sank or that everything in me hurt when I saw her, everything about her seeps pain, and broken dreams, injustice.. I was like "Padre, really? I thought this was my vacation." When I said her name and she made eye contact,... my prayer was " Guard me as you would your own eyes."... Then she hugged me like she would never let go. We walked to the beach together. My brain was screaming at me, my heart was whispering, just Trust. As you read this you have to understand that my friend has multiple personality disorder. So often I have to read through what she is saying. I said " Hey girl, we are just going to watch the sunset do you want to come along? She put her arm around my shoulder and as we walked to the beach all eyes were on us. She started asking me questions... And the conversation we had for the next thirty minuets will probably forever be my favorite. She looked at me with question in her eyes and asked" So are you still with that dude of yours, do you still go out?" I say "Oh that Jesus dude I told you about?".. She smiles, "Yeah, that guy! Does He love you?" I say "yeah, He loves me, Jesus is crazy about me." Then I said, "Girl, do you know who He is? That He loves you too?..So much! You know what's cool about Him?" She looks at me with question in her eyes and I can see that she remembers that I had told her that Jesus is more then just my "dude".. I tell her that Jesus loves us so much that He died for us, "Girl, think about that, He loves you so much that He gave his life for you,. and the cool deal is, He understands our pain, because he was also rejected, spit on, He walked the streets without a place to lay his head... He did this all for us." And at that moment I know she understood, because she teared up and said, "I long for a bed to wake up in the morning, a place I can call my own. I try to have faith in Him everyday." She looked at me and all her body language screamed pain, she said "Girl, I do cry. Sometimes I come across like I'm tough and I hold everything in, but girl it all hurts so much, there are nights when I just let it all come out and I cry and cry.." We keep walking. Then she smiles and I know her personality just switched again, she asks "Is your Dude "Guapo?".. I laugh and I relax, and say "Yeah girl, He's "Guapisimo!"... We kick our sandals off and sit down in the sand, the sun hasn't set yet. I smile, yet I break because I not only get to sit and watch the sunset, but I feel that peace that is present when I'm with her, that peace that the verse I had read earlier that morning puts into words. "Hide me in the shadow of your wings.".. Peace that knows that is where I'm at... For the next fifteen minutes she tells me about her life. She tells me about bad decisions, people that took advantage of her, her kids that were taken away from her, the man who abused her as a kid, about feeling worth more when she realized men would pay for her,.. and she asked me "Why do we miss the people who hurt us sometimes?".. And I say "Girl it's normal to miss and long for relationship, because God created relationship.....we all long for someone to love and accept us, we all long for someone to make us feel safe... because ultimately our lives are created for relationship with Jesus. Then there was that moment when we both just sat and were lost in our own thoughts and watched the sun disappear. Then she said "I've tried to change, I've tried to be a better person for Him." I look at the sky.. Then I say "You know that He loves you just the way you are and Jesus is not limited by your past, .... "We sat there a while longer then she said she had to go but before she walked away she told me she wanted to give me a word of advice. We walk a little ways off away from the rest of the people who were also watching the sunset, lost in their own thoughts.... She put her arm around me and said "Girl, never leave Him, He really does Love you, don't ever leave Him!".... And I hug her, then watch her walk away down the street and around the corner. I try not to cry.. I pray the few bucks I gave her really do keep her from having to sell her body that night,..I remember the way her voice broke when she told me that men don't even pay her enough to buy food. And my heart explodes because how can sex be cheaper then a burger? How can humanity have come this low?.... And He holds me, and whispers "I'm their dude too Kendie, I died for all of humanity. My heart breaks too..Just keep lovin', keep trusting." ... yeah, fear can't get to us, panic can't upend us, worry can't undo us, Lord -- because when we exhale, we can hear You like a warm breath: "I am with you. There’s no need to fear the big things, the little things, anything, for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength when the weight of it all wears you down, I’ll help you when you're hurting, when everyone's hurting, I’ll hold you steady when everything wildly tilts, I'll keep a firm grip on you -- so you can rest tonight, because you are held.” We believe that there is never anything to fear — because there is nothing in the universe that can ever separate us from the loving hands of God. And all the people held on to each other because they belonged to each other and they all beheld a Grace that held them all and whispered their brave Amen. - Ann Voscamp Friday Morning. Psalm 23. '' He will guide me along the right paths..I will not be afraid for you are close beside me... You protect and comfort me. "
Britt and I went to a cool little café, on our way back to our hotel we met her again. So we crossed the street and got her something for breakfast. While we waited on the food, we connected again, although right at first she didn't remember we had talked and watched the sunset the night before, she ask me about my dude again and she told me more about herself. Although we didn't stay long throughout the conversation she would ask about or start talking about my Dude.. And as we said goodbye.. She held my hand and squeezed it so hard it hurt.. and she asked me "Girl, please tell your dude that I'm tired, that too many people have taken things from me, that I don't want people to take advantage of me any more. Please tell Him for me." I chose not to mention her name, she is the girl that I took out for coffee in San Jose. Through her God lead us to FOJ. She is the girl who quoted "I have had sex with hundreds of men but do not know the meaning of true love." She is the girl who came running up to us for a piece of Pizza. And she is the girl who has open my eyes to the injustice and pain there is in the world today. Help me pray for her. Life is never random. God can use even a crazy pair of pants to lead us on the right path and make our stories fall into place. - I am disturbed when I see the majority of so-called Christians having such little understanding of the real nature of the faith they profess. Faith is a subject of such importance that we should not ignore it because of the distractions or the hectic pace of our lives. - William Wilberforce - Can you tell a plain man the road to heaven? Certainly, turn at once to the right, then go straight forward. William Wilberforce
1 Comment
Jonny Sommers
1/14/2016 04:25:48 am
Good stuff Kendra. Keep serving Jesus with that passion, and there's no end to how far he'll take you.
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