Dear 17 year old me, you're sill hidden inside my soul, deep down... even if I don't admit it at times. There are some things about you that I don't miss, like the way I struggled with loving me that year, that hidden battle with anorexia... fear that choked you when you chewed bubblegum because you were afraid it would make you fat and kid, we couldn't have that could we? But there is a lot about you that I really miss and love. I hope that someday my own 17 year old kids look at what others label as insanity and think of it as normal. Because I pray I have kids who have an eternal perspective, and want to make this world a better place. And I hope that this mama is as brave, strong, and awesome as my mama was and is. I've been thinking about the first few times we went to San Jose. Because often to me it is not uncommon until I hear and see how others react and realize it's labeled as "insanity."...But kid It's not about what they label you. It's about how He held and blew up your world that year. Because it was that year that we saw brokenness apart from ourselves. It was that year that we woke up to the fact that life was amazing and worth living, loving, giving,.. even dying for. And I pray you never forget that peace you felt in those dark places. Don't ever let fear blind the memory of the beauty hidden away in each story or moment forgotten. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr. Those first few months when all we knew was San Jose needed to be loved. That San Jose was a broken city. We didn't want to waste our lives. Unaware that Human Trafficking was an issue. Looking back on everything those few months involved, part of me smiles and wishes I could be that innocent 17 year old kid again, the other part of me hurts because deep inside I wonder what it would have been like to be a "normal" teenager... But whats "normal"? And in the end, wanting "normal" is just a quick emotion that passes and again I know that I wouldn't have my teen years any other way. We would go to San Jose about twice a month. On some of those afternoons we would prayer walk around the block where the biggest brothel in San Jose is, walking right across the street from the dark doors that usually have three or four men standing at the entrance. On one of those trips we sat right across the street from the main door and had a pizza with a girl that we knew was working in prostitution and three men that I now know are pimps. The first time I saw darkness and desperation in a prostituted girls eyes was on that day. It was the week of Halloween she was dressed up in a costume, her face was painted and looked as if she was bleeding from a gash on her temple. Those were the first pair of eyes that I haven't been able to forget. They screamed fear, so much fear and pain. I remember the way she couldn't take her eyes off of me. I also think she was the first girl I saw that I was sure was being trafficked. “Only in the darkness can you see the stars.” ― Martin Luther King Jr. It was about a year after we had first started going to San Jose that we looked up a ministry that worked with prostituted people. Because after we sat at the park with one of our friends and heard more of her story and saw the tears stream down her face, and heard the words that cut deep "I have had sex with hundreds of men but do not know the meaning of true love." That day something inside of me knew I could love San Jose, prostituted women, wrecked lives. Because that day while she was crying, she leaned over to spit on the sidewalk, and accidentally spit on my feet. Something inside of me healed. Something inside of me chose love. - “I have decided to stick to love...Hate is too great a burden to bear.” ― Martin Luther King Jr. For a few months on the days we were in San Jose we would stay at the park till after dark, and would meet the Face of Justice team at 8:00. We had the opportunity to get to know kids that we wouldn't see during the day. I remember one night we went and bought a pizza for our supper as well as for a few of our homeless friends. We had just got to the park and were walking past a group of about twenty Gothic youth when one of them said, "Hey, we might not look hungry, but some of us haven't eaten today... and we are hungry too." We didn't tell them what we were doing, but went back and bought five more big pizzas and came back to the park and had a pizza party with them. I remember how it impacted me to see a young man dressed in black, chains hanging from his pants,...that tough kid, he had tears in his eyes. And he quoted "No one ever treats us like this, you girls are the first who ever took time for us..." We spent about an hour with them. The kid that was crying thanked my sister by drawing a picture for her. As we walked away I remember feeling darkness present yet knowing the fact that we had been able to answer their questions "Why do you do this? Why are you different?"... And our answer was "Jesus." One night we were in a taxi after dark, driving through the red light district... I can't remember where we were going but I remember a young man that we drove by, he was sitting on the sidewalk with a look of hopelessness on his face. Solo. As we drove by him the song on the radio was "We Found Love" and I remember the look on his face when my sister smiled at him. A look of brokenness, yet something inside of him woke up when he realized he was seen in his darkest place, and it was okay, that he was worth noticing on that dark alley. He was not invisible. The song repeated.
''We found love in a hopeless place We found love in a hopeless place We found love in a hopeless place We found love in a hopeless place... '' And in that moment it was a reality. One of my first nights on street ministry without my sister I remember looking up at the sky and thinking "God I can't give one more hug before I receive one.'' And at that moment, I knew I was being held and that I had always been held and I knew I could give that hug because I suddenly knew it wasn't about me out on that dark street corner, it was about Him through me,.. I remember putting my arm around a young transvestite that night and realizing that he was not only shivering from the cold but also from fear and pain. That night I didn't wan't to let him go. I wanted to make it better because I wanted him to know that he was also being held by someone who would not walk away. Someone who was present in his darkest. - ''God aims to get all the glory in our redemption. Therefore He is adamant that He will work for us and not we for Him. He is the workman; we stand in need of His services. He is the doctor; we are the sick patient. We are the weak; He is the strong. We have the broken-down jalopy; He is the gifted mechanic. – John Piper, Brothers, We Are Not Professionals Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.—Romans 12:2 The cry of my heart tonight is Padres, love Jesus enough to trust your kids with insanity. Don't be rash or blonde, but the world needs people to rise and see past themselves. A while back I was talking to a girl and she quoted. "We just don't know how to start." - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10) - We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) - Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son . . . . If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. (John 14:13; 15:7) Please don't label my Padres as "Crazy" they are my heroes and continue to be amazing. No we did not understand what we were getting ourselves into at the time. If we would have known the battle, sleepless nights, dark street corners, broken stories, lonely souls, lost people, drugs, sex, abuse, pain, bitterness, stolen dreams, abandoned kids, shattered hearts, emptiness, apathy, men in heels, girls on dark solo street corners smelling glue out of coca cola bottles, children selling drugs, dark brothels, flash backs and yes, even secondary trauma that we were going to face these last few years. I don't know how we would have handled it. And I'm not saying its easy. It's not. Everyday is a battle, everyday I remember one of them. But I'm so thankful for Padres who trusted God with their kids' lives. Parents who believed that light breaks through darkness. That love heals broken hearts. That we are not lost, the battle is not overcome when we are at our lowest, because nothing is wasted in the hands of our redeemer. I am thankful for the times they said I had to stay home. For the times they let me fall apart. And for the times they listened to the cry of my heart. For the times they trusted me with insanity..In the end it's not about how much I was able to love, but about how much I was able to show His love to others. - “Someday” doesn’t change the world. The truth is, you’ve already been given a world that needs you. - RELEVANT Magazine Maybe the reason I'm thinking back on San Jose and how it all started is because for the last while I've felt like I'm supposed to move forward, at least for a while. And this decision was not made alone. Although at first I didn't understand, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to let go of, I was a wreck for two days...Shoot, If I'm honest with myself I was a wreck for two months. It broke my heart, but deep inside I had a prayer hanging by a thread and God knows our hearts. And he knows what is best for us. It has also been amazing how God has opened doors, answered prayers, and is leading into more insanity. And I embrace it because He has brought us this far. It's been a little less than a year... those silent prayers few people knew about. But silent prayers aren't random.That feeling in your gut, that breaking going on in your heart, door slamming in your face, unanswered questions...they're not insignificant. ''When it's all finished. You will discover it was never RANDOM.'' That quote, I'm starting to get it. When I look at our story I know nothing is random... Nothing is. Tuesday morning, coffee, still in bed, Isaiah 65:24 "I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers." God: Kendie, you know I can answer your prayers this year right...? Me: "Yeah I know, and if it isn't Greece, that's okay. Not that letting go is easy, but I know you're good. New York would be cool... maybe?" Fifteen minutes later. Mom: ''Kendie you might want to come hear this, someone just offered to pay your way to Greece to help with the refugees!" Me: "Oh my God! (Not in vain.) But mom! I just gave it up!"...(Then I was a tear mess, we won't mention how long, or the part when my sister tried to Skype me and words failed me because I lost it all over again. Or that when Grandma came over I burst into tears for the third time. And there was that moment when I started packing....) When my bro came in that morning and heard about my opportunity to go to Greece, I saw it all over his face, then he leaned against the door and crossed his arms like it was no big deal and asked "Is there any way I could go?" The question was left unanswered until a little while later when we got another message saying they could pay two trips to Greece instead of just one and that Ryan would be an option. I don't think I have ever seen my bro's eyes shine like they did in that moment, or see him take anything so seriously. I think He was almost crying, although He wouldn't admit it. When asked, "why do you want to go to Greece?" My bro quoted, "But for the grace of God, it were I.'' "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him. How can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in Truth. - 1 John 3:16 " 1 John 3:16 has been showing up on Facebook, the book I'm reading ( "When Helping Hurts." It's a good read btw. ) And if I'm honest, that verse is hard on me. The more I think about Greece, the more excited I get yet the more it hurts. Three months looks long, hard, lonely... Last night I lay awake remembering the lonely nights in Amsterdam when the reality and distance away from my family hit hard. I remember one night wishing that I was a little girl again and could curl up in my daddy's arms and feel safe. I dread lonely nights in Greece. But even deeper, I know I won't regret it, and I'm blessed that it's part of my story and prayers do come true. We all have 10,000 reasons to be thankful for. We do. - Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity is too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity.” ― John Piper - “Missions is not the ultimate goal of the church. Worship is. Missions exist because worship doesn't.” ― John Piper - “Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And the point of biblical stories like Joseph and Job and Esther and Ruth is to help us feel in our bones (not just know in our heads) that God is for us in all these strange turns. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far-reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ.” ― John Piper This has probably been one of my hardest blogs to post. I hope I never come across as just displaying our actions. My cry is that God really can use us to make a difference in this old world. We don't have to be great, we don't have to be rich. We don't even have to be talented or qualified. We just need to know how to love and worship well. Did I mention that when God answered my prayer about going to help in Greece, I only had $8 left in my mission account, and $20 to my name. Me going to Greece should be impossible. But we serve a God of impossibilities. I've said this before, that the main reason for my blog is because we need prayer support. Your prayers do make a difference, I've felt them in San Jose. I felt them in Amsterdam. And we need them before and during our time in Greece.
2 Comments
Connie
1/27/2016 01:34:42 pm
We've got your back, girl. Love you!
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Hannah Miller
1/27/2016 07:00:03 pm
Ken!! Have I ever told you how amazing you are? Your example of love blows me away and challenges me to live every day all out. Love you, dearie, and can't wait to see you in a week or two!
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