For years I've loved the view of San José at night. The city lights are beautiful. There is something about being up on the mountains overlooking the central valley that makes me feel alive! Maybe its the contrast from the San Carlos humid weather. The chilly mountain air makes something inside of me wake up. There is also a feeling of security, belonging, freedom. Away from the city, traffic, loud, fumes... closer to home.
Over the last three years I have left little pieces of my heart in San José. And my eyes have been open to what lies beneath the lights. After being out on the streets at night something inside of me changed. I still love it...the view. I could look at it for hours. But now when I look at it, something inside of me hurts. Now I see more than just lights. I see the faces of my friends that our down there, somewhere. Beneath those lights are broken stories, stolen dreams, hurting hearts, eyes with no emotion, people searching for meaning, there is injustice, beautiful labeled people, cold street corners, hard sidewalks, dirty cardboard boxes, drugs, and so much darkness... It was a cold night in downtown San Jose. It was late. We stopped the van...I saw her about half a block away. She was cold. The only one on the dark street corner. As I got closer, I saw she was only about my age. I smile, she starts crying. I put my arm around her. She's shivering, not just from the cold. We bring her coffee. I try to keep a normal conversation. I fail. She avoids looking at me. All the while my heart is blowing up. My brain is freaking out because I think of my life, my dreams, goals, prayers hanging by a thread,..... She's a girl with those same emotions,dreams,future.. She tells me she will be up until morning. Then She looks me in the eye and says; ''I haven't had any customers tonight?" My heart breaks. Because this was not a statement. She wasn't trying to justify herself. She was asking me a question. It was a question so full of meaning, pain.... Her heart was screaming. '' Am I really not worth it!? Does my life even matter? Am I really this invisible?".... I tighten my arm around her.I want to tell her everything is going to be ok. I just keep my arm around her. Love her. Speak life into her. Pray for her. I give her a phone number. I tell her to please call. I walk away. I look back and smile at her one last time. She's beautiful. Broken, but beautiful. The barefoot girl from the red light district. The one who couldn't take her eyes off of me. She couldn't figure me out. She was smelling glue out of a Coca Cola bottle. I saw it go over her face when the drug took over. She was still looking at me, but didn't really see me anymore. She started screaming. She was scared. I just stood with her. I became the barefoot girl for a few hours. She walked away wearing my sandals. I wondered if she would remember me... She did, a few months latter. Only it wasn't me. But my sister. She came running up to her saying. "You're the girl who gave me your sandals." Through my sister I found out that she works in one of the lowest brothels. She is just a few years older then I am. She remembered! I have a good friend. She has taught me that there is more to life then ''stuff''. We sit on the side walk and have coffee. She has a dog. On rainy days she wraps up in trash bags. A while back she had a birthday. I happened to be their for it. I took her a piece if cake. She informed her dog that she wasn't sharing this time. I stayed longer then usual. She told me a little about herself. She has lived in San Jose for 20 years. Her home town is less then an hour away. Because people label her, she is ashamed to go home. So on the days that she can collect 20 dollars in her coffee cup, she rents a room. If not, she sleeps on the side walk. She told me that if it wasn't for her daughter who is now in prison, she would have committed suicide long ago. She has a beautiful smile, and a huge heart! She got a birthday gift from her daughter. It was the daughters ID card. She kissed the picture and kept telling me how beautiful her daughter is. I could go on and tell you more stories....But let me tell you in a few words that there is also beauty, so much beauty! Seeing sad faces light up. Laughing with street people. Praying with them. Telling them that they are loved. Being there friends, friends that love them deeper than their mask, skin color, or label. One of my favorite moments was when a transvestite put his arm around me, and with pride introduced me to some of his buddies as " His friend! " ...Drinking coffee, laughing,.. Breaking through darkness. I can't put it into words.. they all feel like an understatement. Some nights I feel like Mary and Pippin when the are outside the black gate in the last battle. They are so small. It looks so hopeless. But for Frodo and Sam they run towards the gate, screaming at the top of their lungs,'' For Frodo."... They are so small, the rest of the army leaves them in the dust.. But they keep running. They don't give up. Even when it looks hopeless.. And all they see is the battle blowing up around them. - "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." - John 16:33 Maybe you ask, ''Kendie, is it worth it?''.. Yeah, I've ask myself this question over and over. What difference am I making? Is it worth the nights I can't sleep because of the spiritual battle going on in my head. Those nights I can't shut out the sad voices, eyes so full of pain, stories of broken dreams, and pictures. Is it worth always being labeled as ''the good little missionary" when most if the time my heart is screaming, ''I am human! I need hugs too! I'm a pro at being a brat!.... "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called." One of my first nights doing street ministry in San Jose, the team met at the park. It was a slow, dark night. I remember wondering if I was making a difference. Was it worth busing four hours?... That night in the park a young man walked up to us. He was on a high. His eyes were glassy. He couldn't talk very clear. He looked at us and said: " Your face is like, like the moon. You shine like the galaxy.'' .. Maybe you're like, " Kendie, the guy was on a trip! He didn't know what he was saying.'' .... Yeah, maybe he doesn't remember. But I do..And God used a homeless man to assure me that I don't have to do big and crazy things to break through darkness. Its not about me, Its about Him through me. Yes! Yes, its worth every blasted moment of it. I might not see it today. Or tomorrow. But Someday.. I'll know. Someday I'll understand. - ''Little things are indeed little, but to be faithful in little things is a great thing.'' - Mother Teresa - "Live simply, so others may simply live" - Mother Teresa - Prayer is not asking. Prayer is putting oneself in the hands of God, at His disposition, and listening to His voice in the depth of our hearts. - Mother Teresa -Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness. - Mother Teresa
2 Comments
Naomi
2/14/2015 04:38:07 am
wow. you are truly amazing kendra!! <3 <praying for you>
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Johnny
2/15/2015 02:29:36 pm
Great work! Love the stories
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