"Never See the End" Lyrics
by Amanda Cook | from the album Brave New World Beyond the end and the beginning You have been and You will be Who in all the world is like You Still I'm not beyond your reach You are perfect in Your very nature Yet You understand the human mind Faithful even when I wander You are patient, You are kind How deep How wide How high Is Your love for me I can never see the end Where can I go from Your presence Your love surrounds me on all sides Free from shame, there is no hiding I am Yours and You are mine How deep How wide How high Is Your love for me I can never see the end
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"You Are God Alone"
You're not a God created by human hands You're not a God dependent on any mortal man You're not a God in need of Anything we can give By Your plan, that's just the way it is You are God alone, from before time began You were on Your throne, You are God alone. And right now, in the good times and bad You are on Your throne, You are God alone. You're the only God whose power none can contend You're the only God whose name and Praise will never end You're the only God who's worthy Of everything we can give You are God, that's just the way it is You're unchangeable Unshakable Unstoppable That's who you are. For about a year I've been thinking about writing this blog. The other day I finally had the nerve to start. As I was thinking about what I was writing, by chance I read an amazing blog called "Ten Things That Your Missionary Will Not Tell You." It put my feelings into words despite the fact that it's from a missionary parent's perspective. As a family we read parts of the blog out loud and we laughed so hard because all ten points tell part of our story. Below describes us so well. - " A man from the land of Blue became a missionary to the people of Yellow. He struggled because he was a Blue man among Yellow people. However, after a while he began to truly understand their culture and become partly assimilated. One day he looked in the mirror and saw that he was no longer Blue, he was now Green. It made being in the land of Yellow easier. Then, after many years, he returns to the land of Blue. To his dismay, no one there in his homeland of Blue wants to be with him because, well because he was a Green person in the land of Blue.- Joe Holman “You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” ― Miriam Aden This blog might be labeled as rash or insane. It might all be misunderstood. It could easily be taken as shallow or just as a messed up kid screaming for attention, yelling bloody murder at the world. I'm not sure where this will all end up but after staying up until 2:00 AM talking with a group of amazing youth who are also green missionary kids and being open and honest about how we feel deep down behind what appears to be normal, there is a lot going on that few people read through. The truth is even some of us green kids are unaware of the issue and battle we face on a daily basis. But it is a reality. For years I was unaware of the battle I fought every day and I was unaware that it really is okay to be different. It all started on a bus. At the time I was 18 and solo on my way home from San Jose, I was wet, cold, and had four more hours on a humid bus until home. Two blonde international students were standing beside me in the crammed isle and heard me speak Spanish and as always needed an answer because my blonde highlights and fluent Spanish always nail that. They ask me one question, Where are you from? I answer the question that is always difficult or confusing to answer, despite the fact that I was born and raised in Costa Rica. So I said, "I was born here but am American and have my CR and USA citizenship." I braced myself for the next fifty questions, but instead he looked right at me and said four words that changed my life. "You are not uncommon." Then he turned away and tried to sleep, unaware that he just blew up my world while I remain confused as to why my world had just crumbled and started to make sense. That was the first time I woke up to the reality that I struggled with identity. So here are 12 things that missionary kids will not tell you: 1. We don't want to be your heroes. We want to be your friends. We long to be treated as normal. We don't want you to always mention our mission or ask us for a history lesson about the culture or family we are a part of. We are capable of carrying a normal conversation despite the fact that we grew up with monkeys and snakes for our pets. The other day we were listening to a song and something about the lyrics made me want to cry. It was later that night that we were up until 2:00 AM that I realized that the lyrics had wrecked me, so I asked if any of the others had felt the same way and in the end we had all felt like the lyrics were describing us. '' Let me go I don't wanna be your hero I don't wanna be a big man Just wanna fight like everyone else Your masquerade I don't wanna be a part of your parade Everyone deserves a chance to Walk with everyone else... '' 2. Sometimes, most of the time, living in another culture is hard. There are the two questions we all hate, what country is home to you? Or what country is your favorite?...Honestly, I don't know. And I never know how to answer that! Because in reality I love both countries and their people. Each country and culture has it's own beauty and embracing the different culture you are in at the time is a gift and a choice. Language differences. We will often say words in English that do not make sense to you. But that does not mean we are air heads, it just means we know more than one language. One of my uncles went out for pizza with his new girlfriend in the states and he ordered pizza with fungus on it. Directly translated to Spanish this makes perfect sense. What he meant to order were mushrooms but despite that embarrassing moment she still married him because he is awesome and she is amazing! 3. WE NEVER FIT IN. We always feel three steps behind whatever is new or "in". Honestly, every time I go to the states I have several awkward moments. One time it was a blasted coffee maker, I had no idea what to press or pull in order to get my coffee into my cup. And in those moments you walk away feeling like an idiot, but in reality there is so much you know that the people who were watching have no clue about but they don't know that, so you remain looking like a idiot. News Flash* I'm going to have an honest moment. I went to Starbucks for the first time a year ago while I was in Ohio. It was freezing and snowing and all I wanted was a good hot coffee. So I ordered a latté. I thought all the coffees were hot, but no! They brought me an iced latté! It's snowing! Why would they have iced-coffee on their menu? All the spaces were taken except the table by the door so every time someone entered or left, snow and freezing wind would whip in at my feet. (I can't believe I'm sharing this fact about myself.) But this happens! And yes everyone looked at me like I was from another planet so I continued to act like I knew exactly what I was doing. And no, I didn't post a picture of my latté . But yes, I do get jealous every time I see yours because I'd have to travel two and a half hours to buy one. We never look like the rest of you, because we wear what we have. We might show up with the same outfit we wore two years ago... and pray no one remembers. There are always a new set of "cool" words that in reality do not make any sense to me. And I often wonder if they make any sense to the rest of you? There's that new drink that is the rage, music has always changed, and there are always friends of friends, or the spouse of a friend that you have to meet and act normal around. A few months ago I lived in Amsterdam for six weeks. During that time I was surrounded by amazing people from different countries and cultures. We each had a unique story. One day I burst into tears and something in me snapped because despite the fact that being in Amsterdam was not easy, it was the first time I could remember fitting in. Because I was just one of the many random students from a different back ground and culture. 4. Relationships are exhausting and hard. Lonely is an everyday deal. First of all, missionary families are close. Families are not only parents, bros, and sisters but also your best friends. But there are always friends you miss. When a missionary kid gets married, it often involves moving to another continent. And the man you marry is seldom the norm. It's usually a crazy man who does crazy things, he lives on the edge and this involves having to live a crazy awesome life as well as praying with all your might because insanity is always present. And your kids will grow up unafraid of snakes and spiders. But in reality we wouldn't want it any other way. But then about once a year allow our mothers to have a melt down. It also means making a new set of friends, cooking differently, only talking to your family over the phone. Right now my sister is in Ghana and for the first few months we hardly heard from them because our internet connection as well as their's was horrible. And after a twenty minute talk on the phone our phone bill doubled! And it only made missing her all the more real. Also she will come home to the reality that her little sister is now taller then she is, and her bro now has a full beard!! The grand-kids don't know who their grandparents are. (Back to the part where your kids will be unafraid of snakes. I remember one day I was cleaning up our shop and under some of the junk I was picking up I found a small snake. I knew it wasn't a bad snake, but decided I would kill it so that my brother would think I'm cool. Fail! So I took a long board and smashed its head. Later I heroically told my brother about my move. His reaction was far from what I expected because I had killed his little pet. He knew it lived in our shop and whenever he would find it, he would pick it up and play with it, even put it down his shirt for fun. He would always let it go again but now I blew it!) Long distance dating is hard. You have to fall in love with the 'real' person you are dating all over again for about ten times, because in reality you are in love with the man you call or text and that guy never has a bad hair day, bad breath, or a bad attitude. You have to get to know each other all over again each time. And it isn't easy for the couple or their families. It's all really hard and awkward. Also each time the other leaves again, you have to pick up the pieces and go through the next two (or five) months missing them. 5. It's not that we don't want to be your friend, its just that we don't ever want to have to go through the pain of saying good-bye. And no, it's not the same in the states. Honest, most of the relationships I have were not easy to start. The last time I was in the states I made a few new friends, and I remember giving myself a speech before walking over and joining the table where the youth were sitting,.."Ken, You have made it through this before, you won't regret it.. Just blasted don't pass out!" Honest, my knees were weak and my voice was shaking and I was sure I would come across as an air head. Not because they were intimidating, but because I was afraid they would be nice and become my friends. And that meant hard goodbyes and maybe never seeing them again. And yup, it happened. I cried when we left. We hide our fear behind a smile and outgoing hippy attitude.* 6. Going to the States is so hard. Answering questions over and over burns me out. I'm scared to death of new sports. You have to work to rebuild relationships with your "Best Friends." Going out for a burger is amazing. Quit whining about snow, for some of us it's a dream. Do not say you are broke because you don't have enough money to go boarding this week! That does not label broke. You are soakin' rich. Don't tell me you could never survive on rice and beans, it makes me feel like a walking miracle. And I'm not. It makes me feel like saying "Shoot, how in blazes do you survive on MacDonald and potatoes?"... You really are a walking miracle." I always go through culture shock at how rich everyone is. And how gray and boring all the houses are, there is no yellow, pink, green, blue, or orange. When you go to town, no one even looks at you! It makes me feel invisible. Here everyone talks, yells, and if you see someone you know you walk across the street to say hi and might end up talking for thirty minutes. 7. We have a hard time receiving, because we grew up being the givers. We grew up always being known as the grandchildren or children of a godly man. We grew up having to be "good examples" for other kids and always being looked at as the rich giver. (But in reality we have always been poor. And we have both cultures in our favor when it comes to being jerks. So do not underestimate us.) But honest, We don't like being labeled as rich, because that means that our friends feel intimidated. If you really want to do a missionary a favor do NOT build him an american house or buy them a car in a land where they use horses. Get the drift, and buy the man a stinkin' horse! I know what it's like when people come to our place for coffee and feel intimidated because we have a tile floor. It's not fun. It blows the atmosphere. I wish I could scream this to american churches. "Wealth is not the answer to any culture's problems. Money will not save souls!" Don't try to change their culture, leave your culture at home. If you really want to make a difference, live at their level, embrace their lives, know how to have a blast and embrace their humor. The best thing you can offer anyone is coffee, love and friendship. Yes, you will always be different, but embrace the differences and move forward. It is possible to become like family with people from other countries and cultures. 8. We do not like when you feel less "Spiritual" then us. First of all, I know that there are times when missionaries go through what is often referred to as "Missionary Syndrome."... It could also involve burnout and secondary trauma. This is the side effect of seeing so much need and brokenness that we really are not capable of ever living in a normal american setting again. So I'm sorry if we come across as overpowering at times. What we feel is valid, we just don't always know how to approach it with the right attitude. We are sorry if we come across as better than you or more spiritual. We are not more spiritual then you. As Christians we are called to serve. This does not always involve being a missionary in another country. Some of us are called to live in the country you were born in and raise little world changers. While others are called to work in freezing weather and support a mission in Peru. You may be called to reach the homeless from your city or work at a café. Teaching school or being a youth leader in the same community you grew up in is okay!! You may just be called to encourage whoever God sets in your path. That's great, and you do not have to tell us about all the things you "wish" you were called to or try and justify your present circumstance. If that is where God has you we think you are amazing! We may even be jealous of you. 9. We love when you come visit us. But we will also go through culture shock the first few days. A while back two of my amazing friends came to spend two weeks with me. And I loved it but the first two days they were here I struggled with feeling claustrophobic and depressed. As we drove over the mountain on our way home from the airport I realized how much damage the earthquake had done and how poor some of the houses are.The closer we got to home the more it hit me "we live so far back in!" Things that I never think of, like geckos on my bedroom wall or the humidity suddenly made me sad. And in no way was this my friends' fault it's just that living here is not uncommon to me until I see it through someone else's eyes. I also realized how lonely I am. Having them here was so awesome and refreshing. Don't ever believe the lie that visiting a missionary is a burden. You are not a burden, we love to have you here. Don't come expecting to eat mashed potatoes everyday. We might only be able to serve you rice and beans for every meal, but trust me, we are honored to serve you. And our families as well as our church needs to be encouraged. Sometimes all it takes is you coming and wearing sandals and being okay in a different culture to give us a boost. It makes us feel normal. If you come visit, we really don't think it's cute when you whine. We hate small talk about our countries. Negative comments about the culture we grew up in feel personal to us. This one is huge. But can defiantly go both ways. We can be critical about America as well. You guys think you have all the answers, but that's okay, we still love you. (Most of the time.) I know that we often think we have all the answers, we don't, but thanks for not ditching us. 10. For some of us getting a job isn't an option, and if we do, getting payed $4 an hour is great. Most of us will never own our own car. (And most of us don't give a rip.) Unless we save every penny or go work in the states for a few months, we don't have a lot of money to spend. But this doesn't mean we don't have a life and it doesn't mean that God isn't faithful. The truth is, there have been many times that money has not reached. But there is always a reason, and there have been many times that He has answered prayers and provided despite the present circumstances. Our fridge has often been empty but we have never gone without a meal. One of the greatest gifts of being a missionary kid is growing up in a setting where your life literally depends on prayer and having faith. Nothing is to hard for God. And God is interested in our everyday needs and prayers. He is not only a good Father, but the most amazing of Padres! The other night we kids were depressed. We needed something different! It was one of those nights when Facebook just makes things worse! Because we see all the fun things others are doing that we can't just randomly do, like go to a gym or out to eat. Trust me, we love social media! But it is also our greatest nightmare because it makes us jealous, and the reality of being so far away and missing out on so much just makes solo so real. The other night we would have loved to go out to eat but we didn't have the cash. So instead of staying home and rotting we made some plans with our friends and loaded up our pickup with blankets, pillows, guitars, ukuleles,... Made amazing chicken empanadas and coffee. Then we drove to the darkest place we could find in the pineapple fields and made a fire under the stars. We ate, told stories, laughed, played music, and hoped people wouldn't come and chase us away thinking we were drug dealers. (But that just kinda added to the fun.) We had a blast!! And I wouldn't trade a night like that for a night at Long Horn. 11. We didn't choose this life and our life is not a vacation. We were born here. But if we would have to chose we wouldn't have it any other way. Don't act sorry for us. We don't feel sorry for us. It makes us feel like bugs under a microscope and we are not just another interesting species or creature. We as well as the people we live with are no different than you. We have emotions, families, pain, joy, entertainment, schedules.... we have a life. And just because it is different than yours doesn't make it less enjoyable or less painful. Also please know that being a missionary is more then chillin' in a hammock while drinking coke and going on a short term mission trip. Someone once made a joke about wishing they were a missionary so that they could also chill in hammocks and have a good coke everyday like they had for their past three weeks in a tropical country. Needless to say a few hours later a few of my friends had the honor of seeing me get really angry and in tears for the first time. (Please know that I love short term missions. But short term mission trips are not the same as living on a mission long term !!!) 12. We have seen and worked with more pain and brokenness then the average americano. As I write this my dad is talking to one of our neighbors who showed up drunk and is asking for money so he can buy his family coffee and rice. But he really just needs another beer. This is not uncommon and often my dad just asks him to join him for coffee on our front porch. My dad is patient and the kindest man I know. This morning my mom spent time with one of our new neighbor ladies. They sat in our living room and mom listened to her sob for an hour. While they were together she told mom more about her story. About being homeless as a kid in San Jose and having her first child at fourteen. Also about her son who was murdered on the streets of San Jose about a year ago. ( I hope I'm as cool as my mom someday.) One of my most vivid pictures of homeless ministry is a man who lived under a plastic tarp in the Red Light district. That was his home rain or shine. We saw him more then once and I don't think he ever moved from the spot, his buddies would bring him food. He had an open tumor on his belly and everything he owned was under the tarp with him. The little girl who stole my heart and was an orphan at a home along with other youth and children. Before they came to the home, they lived on the streets of San Jose. I remember the way she looked at me and the way she played with my hair and asked me with question in her eyes "Why is your hair white?"... then she told me "I want hair like yours."... I told her I would gladly trade my hair for her beautiful strait black hair. Her hair was so beautiful! I held her, she leaned her head on my shoulder and was almost asleep, but then we had to leave... And along with many of the other people I have given hugs in San Jose, some days I still wish I wouldn't have had to let her go. " We were made from dust, a bit of earth kissed by heaven,and we are made to be ground breakers and peacemakers and freedom shakers. " - Ann Voscamp.
- "Dear Third Culture Kid, It's okay to be different. It's okay to be you. YOU are stronger, braver, cooler, and far more loved then you realize. No one is called to fit in. We are all called for one purpose and battle. And kids, what shook up my world was the day I realized we are all strangers here and we are not HOME yet. Our lives are but a fleeting shadow. Honestly, some times I get so excited about heaven. I know, I'm in my early twenties, I have a life, dreams, hopes, and prayers ahead of me. But I am sick of all the pain, rejection, misunderstandings, races, languages, slavery, abuse,.... But until then do not believe the lie that you are not here for a reason. You are here for a reason and God has amazing plans for you. You are in the country and culture because your smile has purpose. Your hug is not meaningless. There are so many hurting people out there who need you. And you are exactly where you are meant to be right now. Embrace each moment and person in your life. You kids are my heroes! - .... "He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23 Dear 17 year old me, you're sill hidden inside my soul, deep down... even if I don't admit it at times. There are some things about you that I don't miss, like the way I struggled with loving me that year, that hidden battle with anorexia... fear that choked you when you chewed bubblegum because you were afraid it would make you fat and kid, we couldn't have that could we? But there is a lot about you that I really miss and love. I hope that someday my own 17 year old kids look at what others label as insanity and think of it as normal. Because I pray I have kids who have an eternal perspective, and want to make this world a better place. And I hope that this mama is as brave, strong, and awesome as my mama was and is. I've been thinking about the first few times we went to San Jose. Because often to me it is not uncommon until I hear and see how others react and realize it's labeled as "insanity."...But kid It's not about what they label you. It's about how He held and blew up your world that year. Because it was that year that we saw brokenness apart from ourselves. It was that year that we woke up to the fact that life was amazing and worth living, loving, giving,.. even dying for. And I pray you never forget that peace you felt in those dark places. Don't ever let fear blind the memory of the beauty hidden away in each story or moment forgotten. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr. Those first few months when all we knew was San Jose needed to be loved. That San Jose was a broken city. We didn't want to waste our lives. Unaware that Human Trafficking was an issue. Looking back on everything those few months involved, part of me smiles and wishes I could be that innocent 17 year old kid again, the other part of me hurts because deep inside I wonder what it would have been like to be a "normal" teenager... But whats "normal"? And in the end, wanting "normal" is just a quick emotion that passes and again I know that I wouldn't have my teen years any other way. We would go to San Jose about twice a month. On some of those afternoons we would prayer walk around the block where the biggest brothel in San Jose is, walking right across the street from the dark doors that usually have three or four men standing at the entrance. On one of those trips we sat right across the street from the main door and had a pizza with a girl that we knew was working in prostitution and three men that I now know are pimps. The first time I saw darkness and desperation in a prostituted girls eyes was on that day. It was the week of Halloween she was dressed up in a costume, her face was painted and looked as if she was bleeding from a gash on her temple. Those were the first pair of eyes that I haven't been able to forget. They screamed fear, so much fear and pain. I remember the way she couldn't take her eyes off of me. I also think she was the first girl I saw that I was sure was being trafficked. “Only in the darkness can you see the stars.” ― Martin Luther King Jr. It was about a year after we had first started going to San Jose that we looked up a ministry that worked with prostituted people. Because after we sat at the park with one of our friends and heard more of her story and saw the tears stream down her face, and heard the words that cut deep "I have had sex with hundreds of men but do not know the meaning of true love." That day something inside of me knew I could love San Jose, prostituted women, wrecked lives. Because that day while she was crying, she leaned over to spit on the sidewalk, and accidentally spit on my feet. Something inside of me healed. Something inside of me chose love. - “I have decided to stick to love...Hate is too great a burden to bear.” ― Martin Luther King Jr. For a few months on the days we were in San Jose we would stay at the park till after dark, and would meet the Face of Justice team at 8:00. We had the opportunity to get to know kids that we wouldn't see during the day. I remember one night we went and bought a pizza for our supper as well as for a few of our homeless friends. We had just got to the park and were walking past a group of about twenty Gothic youth when one of them said, "Hey, we might not look hungry, but some of us haven't eaten today... and we are hungry too." We didn't tell them what we were doing, but went back and bought five more big pizzas and came back to the park and had a pizza party with them. I remember how it impacted me to see a young man dressed in black, chains hanging from his pants,...that tough kid, he had tears in his eyes. And he quoted "No one ever treats us like this, you girls are the first who ever took time for us..." We spent about an hour with them. The kid that was crying thanked my sister by drawing a picture for her. As we walked away I remember feeling darkness present yet knowing the fact that we had been able to answer their questions "Why do you do this? Why are you different?"... And our answer was "Jesus." One night we were in a taxi after dark, driving through the red light district... I can't remember where we were going but I remember a young man that we drove by, he was sitting on the sidewalk with a look of hopelessness on his face. Solo. As we drove by him the song on the radio was "We Found Love" and I remember the look on his face when my sister smiled at him. A look of brokenness, yet something inside of him woke up when he realized he was seen in his darkest place, and it was okay, that he was worth noticing on that dark alley. He was not invisible. The song repeated.
''We found love in a hopeless place We found love in a hopeless place We found love in a hopeless place We found love in a hopeless place... '' And in that moment it was a reality. One of my first nights on street ministry without my sister I remember looking up at the sky and thinking "God I can't give one more hug before I receive one.'' And at that moment, I knew I was being held and that I had always been held and I knew I could give that hug because I suddenly knew it wasn't about me out on that dark street corner, it was about Him through me,.. I remember putting my arm around a young transvestite that night and realizing that he was not only shivering from the cold but also from fear and pain. That night I didn't wan't to let him go. I wanted to make it better because I wanted him to know that he was also being held by someone who would not walk away. Someone who was present in his darkest. - ''God aims to get all the glory in our redemption. Therefore He is adamant that He will work for us and not we for Him. He is the workman; we stand in need of His services. He is the doctor; we are the sick patient. We are the weak; He is the strong. We have the broken-down jalopy; He is the gifted mechanic. – John Piper, Brothers, We Are Not Professionals Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.—Romans 12:2 The cry of my heart tonight is Padres, love Jesus enough to trust your kids with insanity. Don't be rash or blonde, but the world needs people to rise and see past themselves. A while back I was talking to a girl and she quoted. "We just don't know how to start." - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10) - We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) - Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son . . . . If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. (John 14:13; 15:7) Please don't label my Padres as "Crazy" they are my heroes and continue to be amazing. No we did not understand what we were getting ourselves into at the time. If we would have known the battle, sleepless nights, dark street corners, broken stories, lonely souls, lost people, drugs, sex, abuse, pain, bitterness, stolen dreams, abandoned kids, shattered hearts, emptiness, apathy, men in heels, girls on dark solo street corners smelling glue out of coca cola bottles, children selling drugs, dark brothels, flash backs and yes, even secondary trauma that we were going to face these last few years. I don't know how we would have handled it. And I'm not saying its easy. It's not. Everyday is a battle, everyday I remember one of them. But I'm so thankful for Padres who trusted God with their kids' lives. Parents who believed that light breaks through darkness. That love heals broken hearts. That we are not lost, the battle is not overcome when we are at our lowest, because nothing is wasted in the hands of our redeemer. I am thankful for the times they said I had to stay home. For the times they let me fall apart. And for the times they listened to the cry of my heart. For the times they trusted me with insanity..In the end it's not about how much I was able to love, but about how much I was able to show His love to others. - “Someday” doesn’t change the world. The truth is, you’ve already been given a world that needs you. - RELEVANT Magazine Maybe the reason I'm thinking back on San Jose and how it all started is because for the last while I've felt like I'm supposed to move forward, at least for a while. And this decision was not made alone. Although at first I didn't understand, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to let go of, I was a wreck for two days...Shoot, If I'm honest with myself I was a wreck for two months. It broke my heart, but deep inside I had a prayer hanging by a thread and God knows our hearts. And he knows what is best for us. It has also been amazing how God has opened doors, answered prayers, and is leading into more insanity. And I embrace it because He has brought us this far. It's been a little less than a year... those silent prayers few people knew about. But silent prayers aren't random.That feeling in your gut, that breaking going on in your heart, door slamming in your face, unanswered questions...they're not insignificant. ''When it's all finished. You will discover it was never RANDOM.'' That quote, I'm starting to get it. When I look at our story I know nothing is random... Nothing is. Tuesday morning, coffee, still in bed, Isaiah 65:24 "I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers." God: Kendie, you know I can answer your prayers this year right...? Me: "Yeah I know, and if it isn't Greece, that's okay. Not that letting go is easy, but I know you're good. New York would be cool... maybe?" Fifteen minutes later. Mom: ''Kendie you might want to come hear this, someone just offered to pay your way to Greece to help with the refugees!" Me: "Oh my God! (Not in vain.) But mom! I just gave it up!"...(Then I was a tear mess, we won't mention how long, or the part when my sister tried to Skype me and words failed me because I lost it all over again. Or that when Grandma came over I burst into tears for the third time. And there was that moment when I started packing....) When my bro came in that morning and heard about my opportunity to go to Greece, I saw it all over his face, then he leaned against the door and crossed his arms like it was no big deal and asked "Is there any way I could go?" The question was left unanswered until a little while later when we got another message saying they could pay two trips to Greece instead of just one and that Ryan would be an option. I don't think I have ever seen my bro's eyes shine like they did in that moment, or see him take anything so seriously. I think He was almost crying, although He wouldn't admit it. When asked, "why do you want to go to Greece?" My bro quoted, "But for the grace of God, it were I.'' "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him. How can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in Truth. - 1 John 3:16 " 1 John 3:16 has been showing up on Facebook, the book I'm reading ( "When Helping Hurts." It's a good read btw. ) And if I'm honest, that verse is hard on me. The more I think about Greece, the more excited I get yet the more it hurts. Three months looks long, hard, lonely... Last night I lay awake remembering the lonely nights in Amsterdam when the reality and distance away from my family hit hard. I remember one night wishing that I was a little girl again and could curl up in my daddy's arms and feel safe. I dread lonely nights in Greece. But even deeper, I know I won't regret it, and I'm blessed that it's part of my story and prayers do come true. We all have 10,000 reasons to be thankful for. We do. - Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity is too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity.” ― John Piper - “Missions is not the ultimate goal of the church. Worship is. Missions exist because worship doesn't.” ― John Piper - “Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And the point of biblical stories like Joseph and Job and Esther and Ruth is to help us feel in our bones (not just know in our heads) that God is for us in all these strange turns. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far-reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ.” ― John Piper This has probably been one of my hardest blogs to post. I hope I never come across as just displaying our actions. My cry is that God really can use us to make a difference in this old world. We don't have to be great, we don't have to be rich. We don't even have to be talented or qualified. We just need to know how to love and worship well. Did I mention that when God answered my prayer about going to help in Greece, I only had $8 left in my mission account, and $20 to my name. Me going to Greece should be impossible. But we serve a God of impossibilities. I've said this before, that the main reason for my blog is because we need prayer support. Your prayers do make a difference, I've felt them in San Jose. I felt them in Amsterdam. And we need them before and during our time in Greece. I love what my Grandpa wrote the other day.
- "Tho He slay me ,yet will i trust in Him ". Job 13:15 Job with much reason was bewildered and frustrated with the sudden loss of everything he had. The loss of his children and even his wife discouraging him .He could only see and feel his great loss and now the pain of his sickness...from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. No wonder he wished to never have been born . Wrestling with "Why all this at once?" He with his three comforters could only see the material loss and bodily pain .And his friends could see nothing else but that it was a result of sin in his life and God was punishing him . Job insisted that this was not the case . Through it all his faith was still intact ,as we see in our key verse , and also in chapter 18:25 " For I know that my redeemer liveth and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth ,and tho after my skin worms destroy my body , yet in my flesh shall i see God " And also " when He has tried me i shall come forth as Gold ." So we tend to feel and see the material, physical loss and pain ...But as Job and his friends could not see behind the scenes , the Mighty hand of God holding him safe from the destruction of the enemy .Neither do we we see behind the scenes the Marvelous hand of God and His plan ,and purpose in the trials that come our way . Hence the frustration with "Why This?" "Why Me ?" May we like Job not falter in our faith but know that God behind the scenes is allowing all this for our good . - By Sanford Yoder That moment when you realize your ministry is no longer a choice but a lifestyle,.. When you suddenly know that "you will never know what might happen around the corner or in this case around the next block..." And something inside of me crumbles because I know I wouldn't want it any other way. Yet I would love to have it all together, I know I don't and that's okay, because He got this old world in His hands. He has this wrecked heart in His hands, He has our broken stories in His hands. And nothing is wrecked, nothing is, because He has it all together and He is working every little detail into His greater plan. " .... there are things this week, this new year, that look like the Gigantic Impossibles --- and change seems slow & small & practically invisible. But Change is a Seed. And Growth is a slow & sacred process, not some abracadabra magic show. Every minute of faithfulness is a seed that God will faithfully grow into profound change. "Grow in grace...." (2Pet3:18) By His grace -- He grows our one faithful minute & then one more seed-minute of faithfulness & then just one more.... And God grows each of those seed-minutes into the Gigantic Possible.... because: It's not what we do every now & then ---- but what we do Every. day. that changes everything. " - Ann Voscamp This morning those words meant so much to me. "It's not what we do every now & then ----but what we do every. day. that changes everything" Because so often I want answers now, I long for change now, I want to see what my next step will be now. Please, let me just skip the waiting, the slow, the trusting, let me just make it better and I don't give a rip about what happens from then on, but right now I just want to blasted "fix it"... " But Change is a Seed. And Growth is a slow & sacred process, not some abracadabra magic show." I don't know about you guys but my new year started with "crazy"... What I thought was going to be a relaxing three day vacation with three awesome friends at the pacific coast changed the moment I saw her walking towards me on the sidewalk among all the tourists. Although I didn't realize it, the story started before I saw her, only that after I saw her I understood. A few weeks ago when I first thought of taking the girls to the beach I kinda pushed the thought away, because honestly I didn't have the cash for it. Monday night I was sitting on the floor packing, although I had the money for San Jose and busing I was still trying to figure out how and if my money was going to reach for the $50 I needed for our hotel. I was sitting there my fried Kate said "Ken, one of my friends gave me $50 for my trip. I told her it wasn't a mission trip, but she said she felt like God wanted her to give me the money, so I've decided to pay your hotel with it." (I wish I could have seen my facial reaction.) God is so cool that way! Thursday morning, our second day at the beach I was up early telling myself that I was brave enough to ask the people next door if they would please let me use their coffee maker... (I'm still convinced it's not an addiction. Or not.)... It was a beautiful morning and I was reading Psalm 17 "Guard me as you would guard your own eyes. Hide me in the shadow of your wings.".. Little did I know how much I would need this verse later that day. That afternoon while Britt and I walked through the town we found an awesome little second hand clothing store and while we were looking through all the hippy clothes Britt found a really darling pair of jean shorts, I knew she loved them but I also knew she was going to be tight about spending $10, and she was, but in the end she bought them and later said she felt like she had spent too much! The reason I mention the shorts is because that evening we were walking around town again.. ( Did I mention you can walk around this awesome little town at the beach for hours?) And Britt saw a pair of boho pants that at first didn't impress her, but she flipped over them! And I was surprised when she said "Ken I really want these, I don't know why, because I saw them yesterday and thought the color was hideous! But now I love them, I'll pay it with my own money and I know I won't regret it." I was in a hurry to get back to the beach so we could watch the sunset. But when we asked the price we were missing 4 bucks. So we walked all the way back to our hotel then ran back to buy the pants, all the while I was trying to figure out what had come over Britt because after not wanting to spend $10 she went and bought a pair of pants that where not really her style and cost $38! And that's when I looked up from the sidewalk and saw her walking towards me, only a few feet away. I won't deny the fact that my heart sank or that everything in me hurt when I saw her, everything about her seeps pain, and broken dreams, injustice.. I was like "Padre, really? I thought this was my vacation." When I said her name and she made eye contact,... my prayer was " Guard me as you would your own eyes."... Then she hugged me like she would never let go. We walked to the beach together. My brain was screaming at me, my heart was whispering, just Trust. As you read this you have to understand that my friend has multiple personality disorder. So often I have to read through what she is saying. I said " Hey girl, we are just going to watch the sunset do you want to come along? She put her arm around my shoulder and as we walked to the beach all eyes were on us. She started asking me questions... And the conversation we had for the next thirty minuets will probably forever be my favorite. She looked at me with question in her eyes and asked" So are you still with that dude of yours, do you still go out?" I say "Oh that Jesus dude I told you about?".. She smiles, "Yeah, that guy! Does He love you?" I say "yeah, He loves me, Jesus is crazy about me." Then I said, "Girl, do you know who He is? That He loves you too?..So much! You know what's cool about Him?" She looks at me with question in her eyes and I can see that she remembers that I had told her that Jesus is more then just my "dude".. I tell her that Jesus loves us so much that He died for us, "Girl, think about that, He loves you so much that He gave his life for you,. and the cool deal is, He understands our pain, because he was also rejected, spit on, He walked the streets without a place to lay his head... He did this all for us." And at that moment I know she understood, because she teared up and said, "I long for a bed to wake up in the morning, a place I can call my own. I try to have faith in Him everyday." She looked at me and all her body language screamed pain, she said "Girl, I do cry. Sometimes I come across like I'm tough and I hold everything in, but girl it all hurts so much, there are nights when I just let it all come out and I cry and cry.." We keep walking. Then she smiles and I know her personality just switched again, she asks "Is your Dude "Guapo?".. I laugh and I relax, and say "Yeah girl, He's "Guapisimo!"... We kick our sandals off and sit down in the sand, the sun hasn't set yet. I smile, yet I break because I not only get to sit and watch the sunset, but I feel that peace that is present when I'm with her, that peace that the verse I had read earlier that morning puts into words. "Hide me in the shadow of your wings.".. Peace that knows that is where I'm at... For the next fifteen minutes she tells me about her life. She tells me about bad decisions, people that took advantage of her, her kids that were taken away from her, the man who abused her as a kid, about feeling worth more when she realized men would pay for her,.. and she asked me "Why do we miss the people who hurt us sometimes?".. And I say "Girl it's normal to miss and long for relationship, because God created relationship.....we all long for someone to love and accept us, we all long for someone to make us feel safe... because ultimately our lives are created for relationship with Jesus. Then there was that moment when we both just sat and were lost in our own thoughts and watched the sun disappear. Then she said "I've tried to change, I've tried to be a better person for Him." I look at the sky.. Then I say "You know that He loves you just the way you are and Jesus is not limited by your past, .... "We sat there a while longer then she said she had to go but before she walked away she told me she wanted to give me a word of advice. We walk a little ways off away from the rest of the people who were also watching the sunset, lost in their own thoughts.... She put her arm around me and said "Girl, never leave Him, He really does Love you, don't ever leave Him!".... And I hug her, then watch her walk away down the street and around the corner. I try not to cry.. I pray the few bucks I gave her really do keep her from having to sell her body that night,..I remember the way her voice broke when she told me that men don't even pay her enough to buy food. And my heart explodes because how can sex be cheaper then a burger? How can humanity have come this low?.... And He holds me, and whispers "I'm their dude too Kendie, I died for all of humanity. My heart breaks too..Just keep lovin', keep trusting." ... yeah, fear can't get to us, panic can't upend us, worry can't undo us, Lord -- because when we exhale, we can hear You like a warm breath: "I am with you. There’s no need to fear the big things, the little things, anything, for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength when the weight of it all wears you down, I’ll help you when you're hurting, when everyone's hurting, I’ll hold you steady when everything wildly tilts, I'll keep a firm grip on you -- so you can rest tonight, because you are held.” We believe that there is never anything to fear — because there is nothing in the universe that can ever separate us from the loving hands of God. And all the people held on to each other because they belonged to each other and they all beheld a Grace that held them all and whispered their brave Amen. - Ann Voscamp Friday Morning. Psalm 23. '' He will guide me along the right paths..I will not be afraid for you are close beside me... You protect and comfort me. "
Britt and I went to a cool little café, on our way back to our hotel we met her again. So we crossed the street and got her something for breakfast. While we waited on the food, we connected again, although right at first she didn't remember we had talked and watched the sunset the night before, she ask me about my dude again and she told me more about herself. Although we didn't stay long throughout the conversation she would ask about or start talking about my Dude.. And as we said goodbye.. She held my hand and squeezed it so hard it hurt.. and she asked me "Girl, please tell your dude that I'm tired, that too many people have taken things from me, that I don't want people to take advantage of me any more. Please tell Him for me." I chose not to mention her name, she is the girl that I took out for coffee in San Jose. Through her God lead us to FOJ. She is the girl who quoted "I have had sex with hundreds of men but do not know the meaning of true love." She is the girl who came running up to us for a piece of Pizza. And she is the girl who has open my eyes to the injustice and pain there is in the world today. Help me pray for her. Life is never random. God can use even a crazy pair of pants to lead us on the right path and make our stories fall into place. - I am disturbed when I see the majority of so-called Christians having such little understanding of the real nature of the faith they profess. Faith is a subject of such importance that we should not ignore it because of the distractions or the hectic pace of our lives. - William Wilberforce - Can you tell a plain man the road to heaven? Certainly, turn at once to the right, then go straight forward. William Wilberforce "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" You call me out upon the waters The great unknown where feet may fail And there I find You in the mystery In oceans deep My faith will stand And I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I am Yours and You are mine Your grace abounds in deepest waters Your sovereign hand Will be my guide Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me You've never failed and You won't start now So I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I am Yours and You are mine [6x] Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders Let me walk upon the waters Wherever You would call me Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander And my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior Oh, Jesus, you're my God! I will call upon Your name Keep my eyes above the waves My soul will rest in Your embrace I am Yours and You are mine. Yesterday I was thinking about this lyrics. And honestly looking back on 2015 and the fact that at the beginning of the year this was kinda "My Song" And it wrecked me. While I was thinking about it Yesterday something inside of me was so scared. Because everything inside of me was like " But Trusting is really freaking scary, and do I really want to embrace it again this year? Yet there was that peace that I knew I could rest in His embrace because despite the fact that there were so many times when I felt like I was drowning.. Like I couldn't "keep my eyes above the waves." And it was in those moments on the other side of the world, solo, living in a place where darkness was an everyday battle... Or the four hour bus rides over the mountain to San Jose. the long hours when missing my sister hits me in the gut. Or the nights when I couldn't sleep because I couldn't get the picture, voice, word,.. broken heart out of my head. Those moments when I wanted to blow up the world.. And God whispered " Kendie, can you Trust me with this? " I loved what Ann Voscamp shared.. - " ...these disappointments we can't even talk about -- they might just go ahead & try to make us bitter, Lord... and these banged up expectations of ours, of all that we had expected things would look like -- but don't -- might keep on trying to make us guarded & hard... and the dreams we can't even tell anybody about, but feel pretty bruised right about now, they might be trying to convince us to just give up... we can feel You touch us, how You lift our chins slow, how You speak right into us: "I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jer. 29:11MSG And Your Word touches us. Touches us like a gentle salve tonight in the sorest places... And we feel it: Hope is the salve that keeps our broken hearts soft. Believe it: When you can't touch bottom is when you touch the depths of God. This month, I was broke. And I knew I had a few days in San Jose as well as a three day road trip this week. And there was that feeling of knowing I could trust,..but also the feeling of " Freak out, but what if.." So long story short... through two people that knew nothing about my silent prayers I now not only have the amount I was praying for, but four times the amount. Because our Padre, He's cool that way... He not only wants to answer our prayers, He wants to delight over us, and He loves His kids. We really can trust the unknown with the one who holds our hearts, the world, our stories,future,... Because He is a not only a good, but an amazing Padre. I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. 8 I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. 9 No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.[b] My body rests in safety. - Psalm 16 This lyrics. > "Who Can Compare To You" Where would I be If it wasn’t for Your kindness toward me You’ve been closer than a friend could ever be There is nothing on the Earth that could take Your place I am undone For You see all there was and all that will be Yet you’ve set your vast affection upon me By Your voice the world was made and still You called my name Who can compare to You Who moves my heart the way You do Who can compare to You Who moves my heart the way You do Kingdoms come and kingdoms fade But always You remain Ages pass and seasons change But always You remain the same "We want to live like strangers in this world" she said.. And I realized how often I forget my life passes as swiftly as an evening shadow. And am I really embracing this reality? Or am I blowing it? " I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18 So often when I read this verse I zone it in with wealth,relationship,ministry,health,comfort,safety.... you name it. But what if there is more? What if we would live our lives really looking forward to the Glory that will be revealed in us through Christ Jesus. Because Jesus Christ is our Glory. And in Him we have enough. '' For we don't live for ourselves or die for ourselves. And if we live, it's to honor the Lord. And if we die it's to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die it's to honor the Lord.' - Romans 14: 7 I remember one day it had been raining for what seemed like months. It was the time of the year when mosquitoes are insane and everything feels damp, laundry stinks and takes up to three days to dry...I wont even go into the mud,mold,humidity, and toads. But that was not the reason I remember that day. The reason I remember is because I was confused as to why my mama hid her face in one of the damp towels and was crying. It wasn't until years later that I understood. The pineapple farm my dad was working for hadn't paid him for months. And this went on for several years. The money was there, but we seldom saw it. Then when I was twelve my brother had two seizure. If at the time you would have told me that someday I would thank God for using that present suffering, I would not have believed you. Because He is my only bro, and you have to go though his three sisters if you touched Him. Not that He isn't tough enough. I remember climbing a tree for dear life because Ryan was chasing us with a machete when he was five. I also remember the day soon after my bros first seizure, the neighbor boys were playing soccer and one of them smacked my bro on the head just for the joy of it. I ran out of the house and yelled at him on the top of my lungs. He was a few years older than I am but I still remember the look on his face. He blanched because I told him that if he did that again my brother would die. I really thought so. The month they told my parents that we would have to move to OH for a few months to do tests on my Bro at the Cleveland hospital was the same month the pineapple farm paid my dad the money they owed him. The money was enough to pay our trip, the hospital bills, buy a car, and rent a house. And then we understood. Kinda. I didn't know that our trip would changed my family's life forever. Or that we would end up staying for almost two years. Along with culture-shock we experienced heartbreak, pain, forgiveness,grace and love in a new way. And again if at that time you would have told me that I would be thankful for our present suffering, I would not have believed you. There will be situations in life that blind you with pain. But our Father he really does heal broken hearts, souls, families, relationships and loss. And in the end, it opened our eyes to the reality that we live in a dark world and we aren't home yet. That this battle called life is real and often our hardest battles are the ones few people know about.That love heals broken souls. And Broken souls hurt far more than broken bones and take more time to heal. Pain does not have to be in vain. But most of all our present suffering pointed us to glory, not because of us, but because of Jesus. - " God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." - C.S.Lewis And then there were those two years after we moved back to Costa Rica. I don't remember a lot over that time. But I do remember having to pray often, and the prayer " Give us this day our daily bread" became a reality. Because the bank account was empty. And the money just didn't show up. Our fridge was often empty. And when I say empty, I mean literally only water. The cool deal was, we always had amazing meals. "...for your heavenly Father knows all your needs." - Mathew 6:32 It was over that time that my sister and I started going to the Park in San Jose... One of the first times at the park a young man we had never met or talked to walked up to my sister and before introducing himself said " I need you to explain forgiveness to me. I want what you have." I'm not totally sure why I'm telling you all so much about us. And for the most part I'm giving myself a speech. Vulnerability is a scary deal. But my hearts cry today is " People, we really can trust God to pull through. He really has overcome. He really did promise to take care of us. And no matter how tough life gets, He really can make what we once thought was our doom into something beautiful. It really is possible to love those who hurt us. He does have a plan for your life. And this is coming from someone who still struggles to trust the unseen. But what is unseen to us, is incredibly clear to our Creator. Don't give up on your calling. You are not alone and the world needs you. Please don't forget we are only strangers in this world...And that it will be worth it. In the end we will not remember how much money we made or how much fun it was to blow it. But I promise you that in the end you will remember seeing the way other faces lit up when you explained forgiveness to them or gave them a moment of your time, a smile or a cup of coffee, just showing up. Your presence in this dark world really does make a difference. Don't just send money to help people in need, dare to step out of your comfort zone. They need you to be present because through you, they can see Him. It wont always be easy. It isn't always easy, being thankful. There are still days when we have to pray for our next meal. There are still days when life feels to intense and pain stabs me in the back. But when our goal and purpose in life is more then just this passing shadow. We really can be thankful. Because our stories don't end with suffering.. they end in glory. Our pasts do not entangle us, they equip us. Not because we fully understand or have all the answers but because it's not about us, it's about the one who is willing to walk with us no matter how hard life beats us up. He really is a good Father. "Christianity isn’t about growing good, it’s about growing grace-filled"... The Gospel isn’t only what we believe in –– because the Gospel is ultimately what we. live. out." - Ann Voscamp. In the end, although I wont ever fully understand our past, I am thankful. Because there is no resurrection without death, No beauty without pain. - "I have found a desire within myself that no experience in this world can satisfy; the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S.Lewis Lyrics 1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change he faithful will remain. Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heavenly Friend Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end. 2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake To guide the future as he has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below. 3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on When we shall be forever with the Lord, When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last. ...I curled up on the couch, leaned my head on my daddy's shoulder and let tears stream down my face. Because we all need someone strong to lean on. We all long to be on the receiving side at times. We all need love. Because It's love that heals hearts in this broken world. And my bro brings out his guitar and sings "10,000 Reasons"..
''...You’re rich in love And You’re slow to anger Your name is great And Your heart is kind For all Your goodness I will keep on singing..ten thousand reasons for my heart to find. '' - " Why do we keep thinking we have to be somebody different to get the love of anybody at all.Why do we keep thinking who we really are couldn’t be who He really loves.Why do we believe that to be blessed we can’t be ourselves. We hide ourselves because we don’t think we can be loved for ourselves. I’m thinking it’s that — We wear masks when we feel barely loved. Are we missing Jesus in our days — because we go through our days missing chances to share our real selves? " Ann Voscamp. ''...We give thanks because You are near...'' Psalms 75:1 Sometimes it's the small, the ordinary that make the change. And God whispers " ......in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."John 16:33 - Friday I spent some time at the park. I chose the bench in the corner where it was quiet, less crazy, and less then a block away from the biggest brothel in San Jose.The park was crowded and wild; there were people with masks and the music was loud, but most of all the darkness was present. For about an hour I sat alone,..In the back ground. As I watched the crowd I realized that very few people were laughing. It was a facade, an act. And I wondered if being there, being present was making a difference? And I wondered what it would be like if everyone would be who they were created to be. Because we were created for more then a mask. And so often we believe that our value and talent lie in our ability to be someone we are not. You are loved for who you are, not your act. - You came and sat on the grass a few feet away from me. Also wanting to stay in the back ground. I smile and you expect me to look away. Instead I went and sat with you. You look at me with question in your eyes.Others look at us with question in their eyes.You have so many walls of defense. You hesitates to say your name. I act like this is me being normal, because it should be. You put on the look of " I don't need you in my life, ..Why would someone want to identify themselves with a young man in a pink tank top, shorts, and flats.'' I keep talking. I notice that your eyes get shiny. Then you said something that didn't have anything to do with what I was randomly not shutting up about. You say '' I don't know what I would do if the man I live with wouldn't love me,.. The day he doesn't love me anymore. I think I will die." The look in your eyes said it all. '' Why are you doing this? No one loves me, or takes time for me unless it is to take advantage of me.'' You were still trying to figure me out. I remember the chocolate I have in my backpack, I ask if you would like to have some chocolate with me. Because who doesn't love chocolate? You smile. And I feel like I've just run a marathon because, you smiled. That made my trip worth it all. You said you would love that. So we sat and ate half of a dark-lemon-pepper-chocolate bar. Then you showed me something you had, something you owned that meant the world to you. It's a small card that looks like a business card,... on it are a few words that say Jesus loves you and can save you. You point out the smudge on the small piece of paper. You tell me that it is smudged because you were reading it this morning and got tears on it. And the tough man in a tank top, the one we often labeled as a transvestite, he swallows hard and looks away trying to hide his emotions. I tell him that it's beautiful and that Jesus really does love him, so much. Soon he walked away and as he leaves he says, ''Jesus loves you too linda.'' And this girl, She swallows hard. - I went to a different park bench. While at the park even if I am not aware of it my eyes are searching the crowed for a girl. The girl I took out for coffee, the one who quoted " I have had sex with hundreds of men but do not knew the meaning of true love.''... And then you were there, getting off the bus and looking right at me and splitting into a huge grin. You come and sit with me and I tell you that you look beautiful today. And you look at me like " Really? Me beautiful?'' Yes girl, you beautiful. We finish the chocolate together and by now I'm clearly overdosing on chocolate. But I'm loving the way your eyes light up and that something as ordinary as chocolate can make lonely, hurting people smile. really smile without a mask or a facade. Life is hard. Everyone has a story behind what we see. Lets be gentle. Lets be present in each others lives. - '' There’s no denying that there is great brokenness in our world, but God still loves the world and that means we shouldn’t give up on it. John 3:17 says, “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” Rather than believing the worst about the world, we should seek out the beauty and goodness inherent in creation and train ourselves to see each person as an image-bearer of God. That means, too, that we should fight against injustice and create a better and more beautiful future. The brokenness of the world deserves to be grieved, certainly, but it might best be grieved through joining creation in its groaning rather than through making snarky or cynical comments.'' - Relevant Magazine. - It was after midnight. Anything but a Cinderella moment. I was tired. I had seen so much brokenness. We were ready to go home. I was standing on the sidewalk with a cup of coffee in my hand. And then you were there, walking towards me with both hands pointing at my face. The look on your face still makes me smile. Your eyes were huge, really huge, and you had this crazy grin on your face. I thought you were on a high and wanted the coffee. And then you said, " You look so much like your sister."..Then I knew your face, but could not remember your name.. You tell me and I remember seeing my sister sitting on the sidewalk beside you. You were so excited. I couldn't stay long, but as I left you ask a question that will forever be present. We were about half a block away.. And you yelled " How can I be certain that I will make it up there.." You look up and point to the sky... And that is one of the reasons why I was a tear mess last night. Because when I close my eyes I see your face, I hear those words, and the words of so many others. All searching for meaning. All longing for someone who can take their pain and broken hearts and make it better. And my Father he whispers " Kendie, can you trust San Jose with me? Can you rest in knowing that I am love, I am great, my heart is kind, I am good, and I love them more then you do? Can you rest in knowing that I rejoice over you? I celebrate your journey. This journey called life isn't about how much you accomplish, but about love and relationship. - "Tears sting my eyes again, but this time tears of gratitude.When we see we are loved in our need, we see how deep this love really is. Love that reaches past my failures and loves me anyway – this is what changes me.'' - danilissa "In the receiving... " - "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." - Romans 8:18 - "Peace (and peace of mind) doesn’t come when you finally have all the answers and your plan is crafted perfectly. Because the plan will change. It will get messed up. Peace comes when you trust that God knows even when you don’t. Let that be okay." - Coleen York - And I breath again. Because no matter how many times a day my chest feels tight when I remember a face, phrase, moment,or vulnerability. No matter how many nights or how many times a night I have to tell my brain to shut up and give me a brake from it all. No matter the outcome. "God knows, even when you don't." One of my friends said it well, ''A God that sits on the corner with you while you prostitute yourself : That is what reckless, creative, extravagant love looks like.'' Something inside of me gets all wrecked and emotional, because although I know it well, because there are few places I have felt God as near as I have on the dark streets of San Jose. Although I know, it's still good to really see it in words. ''A God that sits on the corner with you.'' ...A God who is always present. Always lovin' you. Let it be okay, that you can't fix the people you see. Let it be okay, that love, not news-blowing-action is what changes wars, lives, and stories... - Faith doesn’t demand answers. Faith, by very definition, is being comfortable with what we don't know. - Relevant Magazine |
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